I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
