I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
