my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Randomize
