shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
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