my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Randomize
