I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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