just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
