he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
