Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
