Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
wanna go halves on a baby?
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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