He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
