Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
