I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
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