you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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