i can't believe i had my finger in that
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
