dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
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