I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
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