feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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