There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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