too bad you live with your parents still
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
