Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
