im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
