I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
