i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize