Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
