he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Randomize
