Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
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