just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I don't deserve a penis
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
