i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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