watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
