Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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