I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
