Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Just cropdusted the office
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
me + whiskey = a bad person
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize
