That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Randomize
