plz talk dirty to me
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
