Whats the glycemic index on semen?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
