I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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