Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Randomize
