i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
