He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
