sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
