I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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