There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Randomize
