So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
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