I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
