wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
