census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
