but the lizard people decide everything anyway
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
