last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Welp...herpes.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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