The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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